The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
<—- homeless romantic
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Good dog. ❤️
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12