Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
🤣could you imagine
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.