Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.