my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug