[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*