A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Yes, but it was never about money
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Best misinterpreted text ever!