We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?