“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If you love someone, let them tweet.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.