[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
You Might Also Like
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
i love modern commerce
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Well, this is awkward
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.