Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”