If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
President The Rock Obama
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied