Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
These are my roll models.