No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.