Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.