Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS