*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂