Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.