“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?