I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.