what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
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Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car