Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Okay, I’m still confused…
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic