“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*mops up wine with cat*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.