Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood