Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes