I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”