I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
still the best tweet of the year by far