Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
You Might Also Like
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes