Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.