Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
When someone trying to leave me
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.