Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)