I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Every work meeting this week
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?