Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.