does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Potatoes were such a good idea
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I cannot call her anything else now
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one