You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
nyc:
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Barbie gone wild
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.