My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
You Might Also Like
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Sorry not sorry.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.