Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
What about second breakfast?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti