ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school