PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
man i love columbo
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Come back with a warrant
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.