If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection