A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Just had my nails done!
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.