Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.