My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons