Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.