Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.