Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Happens to everyone.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Worth the read.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
A classic…
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them