I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s an epidemic…
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”