wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.