My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!