Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.