It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)